Science "Humor"

 Someone started telling jokes one night on twitter (When it was still Twitter, and not Musked-Up) ... some are old, some are new,  and a few of them are actually funny...  so, here are

The BEST of Joke-night on  Twitter

for Science-nerds

(***warning

 Some jokes require a minimal level of science education,

 and others are just bad)

1)      I worked out the momentum so accurately that I can't find it anymore!

2)      What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?

       2b)  What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a zebra?   Undefined; a mountain climber is a scalar. HT Tom Concannon

3)      And the bartender says, "We don't serve tachyons here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

4)      2 monkeys in a bath - one says " ooo ooo aah aah aah ooo ooo" The other says "Well, put some cold in".

5)      What's red and stands in the corner? A naughty London bus

6)    Heisenberg gets stopped on the motorway by the police.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going sir?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

7)      A photon checks into a hotel. The bell hop asks him " Can I help you with your luggage?" To which the photon replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."

8)    A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer. As the neutron is reaching for its wallet, the bartender looks at it and says, "Oh, for you--no charge."

9)    everyone knows that math puns are the first SINE OF MADNESS!

10) What do you say to a guy who walks into a bar three times?   Move the bar stupid!

Alternate Version: What did the man say who walked into a bar? Ouch!

11) Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says: Rene! Great to see you! How about a beer? Descartes says: I think not. And promptly disappears

12)  Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

13)  How do farmers do trigonometry? Using swine functions.. (I love that my spell check wanted to correct swine to Sine.  AI at work.

14)  What do Kermit the Frog and  John the Baptist have in common? Same middle name.

15)  Wanted, dead AND alive, Schrödinger's Cat

16)  I dream of a better future. where chickens can cross the road without being asked about their motives.

7) Actual article title... Frank Harary and Ronald Read wrote a 1974 paper entitled "Is the null graph a pointless concept?"

18) From Zain, the Amazing.. I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. Can't put it down!

19)  Lee Sent 
Two atoms accidentally bump into one another.

"Ouch, I think I lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! I'm positive!"

20 )Q. What's woolly and equivalent to the axiom of choice? A. Zorn's Llama.  Richard Elwes

21)  Q. What's an anagrams for Banach-Tarski?  A.  Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski. from Nat Stahl

22) (and one of the oldest ever) Q. What's purple and commutes?   A.  Abelian Grape

23)   Q: What is normed, complete, and yellow?  A: Bananach space From Derek Orr. 

24) And a single question with three nice answers:
   Q.  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1.  0.99999999999...  Murray Bourne
A2.  1.0000000000... 1    Edward Shore
A3.  Infinitely many ..  The first screws it in half way, the next 1/4 of the way, ........  David Marain
A4.(and my favorite) One, he gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that has already been solved.

25) Q: What does the B in Benoit  B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A:   Benoit B. Mandelbrot 

26)  There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who read binary and those who don't.   Douglas W Boone

27)  an ancient Roman walks into a bar, raises two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."   Douglas W Boone

Can I have a rim shot Ringo!

***YOUR BEST JOKE GOES HERE ... As soon as you send it in that comment box below..